Souter’s Replacement?

"Oyez! Oyez! Where's my meds?"

For the last week, speculation has run wild concerning Justice Souter’s replacement on the High Court.  According to a recent Time magazine article, the frontrunners to replace Souter include legal luminaries such as Solicitor General Elena Kagen, Seventh Circuit Judge Diane Wood, Second Circuit Judge Sonia Sotomayor. Others have suggested that the President might reach into the political arena and pluck out Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm or current Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano.  And as usual, the so-called pundits have all but ignored the most logical pick for Obama.  That’s right!  Former pop star and current American Idol judge Paula Abdul.

Think about it.  For one, she meets all of the demographic criteria.  She’s a woman.  She’s relatively young.  And I think she’s a person of color.  In fact, given the ambiguity in her ethnic identity, she’s the ultimate “minority” justice.  At present, Obama is getting pressure from both blacks and Latinos to appoint either the third African-American justice or the first Latino justice.  With the right accent, Paula could pass muster with both constituencies.  In fact, given her last name, Obama could probably pass her off as Arab American as well.  As a result, appointing Abdul to the high court would free up the position for white men for the next half century.

Second, she meets the next most important criteria for a Supreme Court nominee — no clear record on where she might rule on the issues.  In almost a decade of watching American Idol, I have yet to hear her give an opinion on abortion, stem cell research, the continuation of college football’s BCS format, or any of the other important issues likely to come before the Supreme Court in coming years.  And while people might naturally assume that she is liberal, no one would go so far as to call her an “idealogue.”  After all, to be an idealogue would require that she actually have ideas from time to time.

Third, the President recently said that he wanted his nominee to have “empathy.”  Well, no one has more empathy than Paula Abdul.  When the other judges are harshly deriding a contestants performance because it was “pitchy, dawg” or “cabaret and indulgent,” Paula always goes out of her to find a positive note.  ”Well, at least, you remembered most of the words and you even got a few notes in tune too.  Good job!”  This type of empathy would certainly come in handy when the Court hears cases involving the handicapped, the mental ill, and that adorable 16-year-old Somali pirate.  As an added benefit, I’m sure that lawyers appearing before the Supreme Court would appreciate a counterbalance to Scalia’s normally gruff demeanor.  I can hear Justice Abdul now.  ”Tony!  Stop it!   You big meanie!”

Perhaps the only drawback is Abdul’s nomination is her complete and utter lack of  legal knowledge.  Yet, I hope that Obama won’t let this minor “technicality” stand in his way.  For one, the issues decided by the Court are not nearly as complex as one might imagine.  As proof of this supposition, I run around the country giving a CLE course on the most recent Supreme Court term.  I rest my case.  And besides, it’s not like any justice other than Kennedy has a say in the outcome of these cases anyway.  Quite frankly, I often wonder why the rest of them even bother to show up.  If I was on the court, I’d probably make the following call twice a week.  ”Hey, Tony!  I’m thinking about calling in sick today and going fishing, so just put me down for what you decide on the Gonzales case!”  Even Paula Abdul (or one her personal assistants) can do that!

And, if you’re still not convinced, just ask yourself when was the last time the Supreme Court had a really top flight choreographer to help them prepare for their annual holiday gala.  It’s been a while; at least, since Justice Frankfurter left the Court in 1962.  As I see it, the person who can stop Justice Thomas from doing the “funky chicken” deserves a job with lifetime tenure; to say the very least.

Of course, you might be partial to one of the other American Idol “justices,” so here is your opportunity to vote for your favorite.  The results will be announced during our next podcast.

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